In about two weeks, I’ll be in Montreal, undergoing a medical procedure that will be life-altering. I’ll be getting GRS and as of Tuesday, Nov. 2, I’ll wake up with a neovagina instead of, well, what was there before.
I want to make one thing absolutely clear: my vagina won’t make me happy. I don’t want to rip off Andrea Long Chu too much, but it’s true. It will not change a lot of things about my life, my anxiety and depression or my job. The hurt I feel when people call me “sir” or use my deadname… that won’t go away. The anxiety I feel when I go on Twitter and see the latest celebrity who’s mad they can’t say “woman” anymore (weirdly, they can? And did?) won’t go away either. Nothing will change the way I feel when I look in the mirror and remember that yes, I still have to shave, maybe give my eyebrows a quick pluck and no, don’t forget the colour corrector that goes under the foundation. Having surgery won’t change any of these things. But that’s okay.
It won’t change a lot of things, really. People will still get it wrong sometimes, and people will get it wrong, but on purpose, too. If someone really wants to get mad at me over the bathroom I use… well, that’ll happen too. It won’t change anything that’s happened in the past; I still won’t be able to go to that diner where the server took my picture. But that’s okay, too.
It’s okay because I’m doing this because I wanted to do this, because I wanted it enough I re-scheduled after cancelling the first time and because I still want it, even though I know it won’t solve all my problems. It’s okay because I’ll get time off work to recover, and because my lover will be here to help me recover. It’s okay because I don’t have any strong attachment to that piece of me, and honestly, I don’t expect to miss it. In fact, here’s a list of reasons it’ll be okay:
No more testosterone blockers
I will be able to start progesterone
I’ll fit better into clothing
No more tucking
Dilating will mean time to relax and listen to a podcast, four times a day
People will bring me frozen meals I like
Less bottom dysphoria
I’ll enjoy my reflection more
It’ll give me time to catch up on reading and writing
If I run out of podcasts, there’s always records that I need to get around to
Did you know there’s a new John Coltrane live record? Now I’ll have time to sit and really listen to that mother
I’ll be able to get away with wearing tights in public
The “Tim and Eric” sketch about sitting when you pee will take on a new resonance for me
So will that “Mad Men” scene where Betty Draper does her laundry
I’ll finally have time to get around to that William Gaddis novel
Really, there’s a lot of things I’m looking forward to. Being happy may not be one of them, and that’s fine. There’s a lot of things it will do, and I’m trying to remember each and every one of them, so I can cherish this eventful and one-time-only moment of my life.